In search of that what is elusive,
In hope to fulfill the childhood dreams.
In the race to be ahead in every way,
I have lost what brought me this far.

It was not the greed I now have,
Or the jealousy that  erupts in my heart.
Neither the distaste for mistakes past,
Nor the desire to live up to a name.

But it was humility towards life,
To the dreams that I spun at night.
To the simplicity of the life I lived,
And the singularity of the task at hand.

I had come to this gathering with great hope

I had played these games, met these faces

But now a weariness has begun to set in

And I want to return home, far far away.

The burden of expectation wears me down

The constant shattering of hopes pains me.

My old flaws burn like fresh, deep wounds

And a hundred new ones made every day.

I remember those good ol' days of the past,

When the silence of loneliness haunted me.

When this bustling city was a serene village.

When my universe was just my family.

In these moments of distress, I want to run

Back to those days and hide myself there.

Under the soft bedsheet of my childhood

Away from these people, this crowd.

I feel myself sinking into this cesspool,

Unable to raise my feet to walk ahead.

I want to stop resisting this drowning,

Burn out, and stop this numbing pain.

But then, I know I lack the bravado

Of ceasing this heartache once and for all.

I must move ahead, for stillness will kill.

Soldier on, ride these petulant waves.

Not because I want to move on in life,

Not because I see hope, a brighter future.

But because I have no choice, no alternative

Than to pretend as if nothing has happened.

Why must love be trampled upon repeatedly?

I ask myself, as I survey this wreckage.

Why do hundreds of memories fade away,

In a single instance of uncontrollable rage.

I try to look inside, find faults within.

But from the door of my mind I left ajar,

I see others coming in with brutal force

Trying to shift the burden completely on me.

It is this numbing pain, this infinite moment,
This hopelessness that forever seems to last.
Reminds me of a past I thought was bygone
That juncture I thought I had moved past.

Much has changed, however, since that time
My courtiers and my jewels are all gone.
My formidable palace is now a little hut
The kingdom, once green, is now forlorn.

Yet, this unbending pain reeks of familiarity
It is a moment I have experienced before.
When all I could see was darkness ahead
When eyes were shut, hope was dead.

I take solace from the ghosts of the past,
I've overcome this before, can do again.
The journey was tough, will be tough.
The past has made me tougher as well.

They might not understand the travails,
Their sensitivity might have been lost.
But with the head held high, with dignity
I must walk this dreary path - again.

Break the barriers of history, of memory.
Move on, flow like the petulant stream.
Wash the sins, the guilt of a past bygone
Rediscovered, be a new human being.

Let not the passions burn unhindered,
Let the forest of your soul not be burnt.
Let not your indiscretions cage you,
Let them not bind you, make you cry.

Make this move today, to a happier place
Forget those who came, just move on.
Leave your old wrinkled skins behind,
Put on the robe, the king of your life!

When the emptiness starts screaming,
When the mind seeks distractions.
When motion and voice are soothing,
Perhaps there is need for a re-think.

If the self cannot find peace with itself,
If it always seeks worldly confirmations.
Then perhaps it is time to introspect,
To shred the baggage of confabulations.

The lenses of opinions to be discarded,
The burden of memories brushed aside.
The voices and views be irrelevant,
Then, perhaps, the truth will emerge.

What if the relentless sweeping sands of time
Had not eroded those moments, that phase?
What if our battles with the world, individually
Had not separated us with this blinding haze?

What if those beautiful moments lived on,
Not only in our memories, but every day?
What if you were here, sitting next to me
Would it have changed what I have to say?

What if the warmth of your love lived on
Would it have made this life tolerable?
What if we had never been separated
Would impending death have been honorable?

I wish these 'what ifs' did not torment me,
Keep me awake at nights, restless, motionless.
But when will my mind stop chasing them,
When will eternal peace visit my uprooted home?

The breath separating from my body,
The darkness, the fume-filled drudgery,
The faint light creeping into my dark house,
The lights of Diwali aren't meant for me.

The inner world in a futile effort at peace
Against the ostentation of the world outside.
For not being able to breathe, able to see
The lights of Diwali aren't meant for me.

I want to cry, to feel the numb pain.
Want to feel the tears, be human again.
Want to hate everything about my life,
So that the joy of living I can regain.

I want to fail, land back where I started.
Want to be hurt, bruised; struggle my way.
Want to feel success as a distant pipe dream,
So that with the humility of failure I stay.

I want to love, to be disappointed again.
Want to be blind, to make a person my life.
Want to crash when that illusion is broken,
So that I can ignore the world's endless strife.

Perhaps somewhere in the darkness of night,
Maybe among the radiant beams of light.
I search, fire in eyes, for that part of my soul.
The part that was lost in pursuit of this goal.

I walk from home to home, shelter to shelter
Searching for the warmth that I now miss.
But like a perennially unfulfilled traveler
This water doesn't quench my thirst, my soul.

In these dark routes joining my moments,
I look backward, and into the future.
But for as far as my eyes can go, can see
There is the fallout of what I've come to be.